It’s all just a game to your socks. You put them on the pile of clothes and start carrying it to the other room, but they always jump off. For spite.

I like it when coffee shops provide ad-supported internet access so you can get to the ad-supported internet.

On halloween, while handing out candy, some older man told me this house was once inhabited by a relative of Disney. I didn’t really care, but that would explain why our attic and walls are frequented by rats. No, I didn’t give candy to the older man.

Remember, if you’re a man, you’re supposed to automatically, without thinking, laugh at and subsequently pass along any wife-bashing or woman-bashing joke you hear. Do your duty. (Please, don’t)